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Stats: 17,847 Members, 72,457 Topics, 15,751 Comments. Date: Aug 24 2019, 6:33 pm

Her Husband Treats Her Kindly But He Does Not Give Her Her Shar‘i Right To Intimacy; What Should She Do?

Nigeria Student Forum / General Discussion / Religion / Muslim's Forum / Her Husband Treats Her Kindly But He Does Not Give Her Her Shar‘i Right To Intimacy; What Should She Do?

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Rufai Oladimeji
Lagos State University
100Level, Nigeria.
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Im married for 4 years and we have
two children. We have a nice
marriage with no fighting and Islam
comes first.
But I feel that everything comes
from my side, I teach my children
everything, also Islam, my husband
is always working, may Allah bless
him for taking care of us.
But now for 3 years he doesn't
want to be intimate with me; only 2
times maybe and then I was
Because of my 2 pregnancies, I
gained weight and that's why he
said and he cheated on me , I
forgave him, and we had after a
much better marriage but without
intimacy. I always have to help him
with oral sex but I really need also
intimacy. I already lost a lot of
weight, I always make myself
beautiful for him, I know I'm
beautiful. I do everything for Allah
and for him and for my children, he
says there is no better or beautiful
wife than me, but he doesn't touch
me, I tried everything. He says that
it is not me but he is tired from job.
My feelings start also to become
less, he had a long beard, now it is
so short. I always talk about Islam
with him, he says that he is so
proud of me. But he hurt me so
many times through our marriage,
we also still don't live together and
it's killing me. It 's such a long
story, khayr in sha Allah.
I want love and intimacy, I want to
feel beautiful and loved and ...He is
a good man, like he is sweet and
calm and gives me everything I
need, but the most important thing
I don't have with him.
What must I do, and do you have an
advice for him?
If I have to give you more
information, I will do that.


Praise be to Allah.
There is no doubt that what you
mention is very difficult for a young
woman. A woman may be able to do
without her husband spending on
her or providing her with
accommodation, clothing or other
material needs. She may be able to
do without all of that, by spending
from her own wealth or her family’s
wealth or whatever… But she has
no way to maintain her chastity and
fulfil her physical desire except her
husband, or by means that Allah has
forbidden – Allah forbid that she
should think of that or be tested in
that way.
Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may
Allah have mercy on him) was asked
about a man who stayed away from
his wife for a month or two months
and did not have intercourse with
her; was there any sin on him or
not? Could the husband be asked to
do that?
He replied:
The husband is obliged to have
intercourse with his wife on a
reasonable basis, which is one of
the most important rights that she
has over him; it is more important
than feeding her. It was said that
what is obligatory with regard to
intercourse is once every four
months, or according to her need
and his ability, just as he should
feed her according to her need and
his ability. And the latter is the
more correct opinion.
Majmoo‘ al-Fatawa, 32/271
Muslim narrated in his Saheeh
(1006) from Abu Dharr (may Allah
be pleased with him) that the
Messenger of Allah (blessings and
peace of Allah be upon him) said: “…
the intimacy of one of you (with his
wife) is a charity.” They said: O
Messenger of Allaah, if one of us
fulfils his desire, will he be
rewarded for that? He said: “Do you
not see that if he did it in a haram
manner, there would be a burden of
sin on him for that? Similarly, if he
does it in a halal manner, he will be
rewarded for it.”
In that case, what the wise husband
must do is take care of his wife in
that regard and give it priority over
everything else, so that he may
keep her chaste, conceal her and
meet her needs as much as he can,
even if he does not have an urgent
need for that and even if he had to
do it only for her, for the sake of
meeting his wife’s needs. In that
there will be reward for both of
them, in sha Allah, and a means of
help so that they attain spiritual
and worldly wellbeing.

There is no doubt that what you
mentioned about your husband’s
situation and that having gone on
for a long time without him
satisfying your needs but doing his
duty towards you, is something odd
and needs to be dealt with.
If the matter is as you say, that you
have not fallen short in your duties
towards your husband of adorning
yourself for him, endearing yourself
to him and being prepared to meet
your husband’s needs, then we
think that you, along with your
husband, should look at two things:
1. Make sure that there is no
medical problem that is preventing
your husband from doing that,
whether it is a psychological
problem, as often happens, or a
physical problem. We think that the
possibility of this is not very strong,
because of what you mentioned
about your husband doing that with
you, even if it is not frequent, and
even his falling into that which is
haram, even though he is married
to you!
2. Make sure that you close all
avenues to your husband fulfilling
his desire, except with his wife. It is
natural that if your husband has
got used to other ways that are
haram, such as masturbation, or
immoral relationships – Allah forbid
– or ways that are permissible, such
as fulfilling his desire with his wife
without having intercourse, then it
is natural that this will weaken his
desire to have intercourse with his
wife. If he has got used to these
ways, perhaps what that means is
that he is able to do without his
wife altogether, no matter how
beautiful she is or what she does
for him.
In that case, we advise you to give
up all ways that may lead to that.
What you mention about oral sex is
one of the causes of the problem
and is not a solution to it. So fulfil
your husband’s needs in all
permissible ways and adorn yourself
for him, and ensure that fulfilling
desires is done by means of
some shared action that will fulfil
the rights of both parties and allow
each to fulfil the duties that Allah
has enjoined towards the other.
That also involves making sure that
your husband does not repeat the
haram action that he admitted to
you and that he has repented from
that action. Try to keep him away
from that as much as possible, even
if that is by changing the
environment and the place where
you live, if you are able to do that.
If you do that and make the effort,
but your husband does not change,
and he continues to fail to fulfil
your rights and keep you chaste by
means of that which Allah has
permitted, there is no doubt that
the suffering in that case is
something that carries weight in
sharee‘ah. So if you cannot put up
with your husband any more and
you fear that you may fall into
haram or think of it, then you can
ask for separation from your
husband. Perhaps if he sees that
the matter is serious, he will mend
his ways, and if he goes ahead and
divorces you, perhaps Allah will
replace him with someone who is
better than him and grant you
someone who will keep you chaste.
Allah, may He be exalted, says
(interpretation of the meaning):
“But if they separate (by divorce),
Allah will provide abundance for
everyone of them from His Bounty.
And Allah is Ever All-Sufficient for
His creatures need, All-Wise.”
[an-Nisa 4:130].
But as you know, this should be the
last resort.
Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may
Allah have mercy on him) said:
Causing harm to the wife by not
having intercourse is grounds for
annulment in all cases, whether the
husband did that intentionally or
otherwise, and whether he was able
to do it or not; it is like
maintenance, and even more
important. End quote.
Al-Fatawa al-Kubra, 5/481-482
We ask Allah to set things straight
between you and your husband, and
to endear him to you and you to
him, and to reconcile between you.


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