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I Want Us To Get Our Own Place But My Husband Refuses; What Should I Do?

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Rufai Oladimeji
, Nigeria.
Question

Im married to my husband for 9
years and we have 3 girls. I'm
having a big problem in my
marriage; since I'm married I'm
living in my in-laws' house. My in-
laws aren't really happy about it
and give me a very hard time, but
my husband refuses to move out
(even though he is more than
capable). I've tried nicely to ask my
husband to move out for the last 6
years. My husband also has issues
with respecting women due to his
childhood experience. Now I'm
losing my patience. I don't think I
can go on any more. I've spoken to
my parents and they want me to go
back to my country. Now I have 3
girls who I love and care for; the
oldest is 7 and the youngest is 2. I
was wondering if I try to get khul',
who is entitled to get the custody
and can I leave for my country
before getting the khul' as I don't
think mentally I am capable of
staying in this house far away from
all my relatives any more. Please let
me know what I can do according to
Quran and Sunnah.

Answer

Praise be to Allah.
Firstly:
One of the rights that the wife has
over her husband is that he should
accommodate her in separate
accommodation that is appropriate
for her, whilst paying attention to
the husband’s financial situation.
The husband does not have the
right to force his wife to live with
his family, whether that is his
mother or his sisters; rather what
he is obliged to do is to give her
separate accommodation of her
own.

Secondly:
Our advice to you is not to rush to
go back to your family, and to have
a calm discussion with your
husband, explaining to him your
need and your daughters’ need for
separate accommodation, and speak
nicely to him, so that this problem
can be solved in an atmosphere of
mutual understanding and bearing
in mind that which is in the family’s
best interests, far removed from
tension and disputes.
Be certain that your good attitude
will never be lost with Allah, and
you will find good results from it in
this world and the Hereafter, by
Allah’s leave.

Thirdly:
With regard to seeking divorce or
separation (by talaq or khul‘), this is
not an appropriate solution for you,
especially as you have children
together. What wrong have they
done, to deserve to live far away
from their father or from their
mother?
Moreover, what will their situation
be, if custody is given to you or to
him?
Think long and hard about that, and
give it a great deal of thought, and
be rational and wise, avoiding
emotions such as anger and
frustration.
What we advise you to do and urge
you to do is to stay with your
husband and be patient with the
way he is with you, until Allah
grants you relief and a way out.
Perhaps Allah will open your
husband’s heart to that which is
good for him and for his household.
Try not to involve your parents in
your problem with your husband,
especially since they live far away.
Give them the impression that your
situation will soon be resolved, by
Allah’s leave, and that your
circumstances will improve, so that
they will not be anxious about you
and your situation.
Our advice is to be forbearing and
patient, and to continue trying to
convince your husband of the
importance of having your own
place. Remember that a person may
hate something, but it is good for
him, as it will bring him a great deal
of reward, expiate his bad deeds,
and serve other interests which he
may be unaware of at that time.
Allah the Almighty indeed spoke the
truth when He said (interpretation
of the meanings): “…it may be that
you dislike a thing which is good for
you and that you like a thing which
is bad for you. Allah knows but you
do not know” [al-Baqarah 2:216].
According to the famous hadith of
Ibn ‘Abbas, he said: I was riding
behind the Messenger of Allah
(blessings and peace of Allah be
upon him) and he said: “O young
boy, shall I not tell you of some
words by which Allah may benefit
you?” I said: Of course. He said: “Be
mindful of Allah and He will protect
you. Be mindful of Allah and you
will find Him in front of you.
Acknowledge Him at times of ease
and He will acknowledge you (and
help you) at times of hardship. If
you ask, ask of Allah; if you seek
help, seek help from Allah. The Pen
has been lifted with regard to what
will be, so if all of mankind wanted
to benefit you with something that
Allah has not decreed for you, they
will not be able to do it, and if they
wanted to harm you with something
that Allah has not decreed for you,
they will not be able to do it. Know
that there is a great deal of good in
patiently bearing what is disliked,
victory comes with patience and
relief comes with distress and with
hardship comes ease.”
Narrated by Ahmad (2803) and
others; classed as saheeh by al-
Albani

Finally:
Supplication (Du‘a) is the weapon of
the believer, so offer a great deal of
supplication, asking Allah to guide
your husband and reconcile between
you.
We ask Allah, may He be exalted, to
enable you to do all that is good and
to make things easy for you.
And Allah knows best.

islamqa.info/en/answers/226717/i-want-us-to-get-our-own-place-but-my-husband-refuses-what-should-i-do

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