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Stats: 17,465 members, 69,315 Topics, 15,454 Comments. Date: Jun 18 2019, 7:38 am

Rufai Oladimeji
Lagos State University
100Level, Nigeria.

I am a married man; I have children
and a wife. But I am always arguing
with my wife. I have tried several
times to solve my problem with her,
but to no avail. She does not agree
to divorce (talaaq), and she does not
please me from a sexual point of
view. Our culture does not allow me
to take a second wife, for people do
not give their daughters in marriage
to a man who is already married. I
am afraid, if this situation
continues like this, that I may
commit unlawful actions. Please
advise me. I hope that you can
advise me sincerely, and tell me
how to solve this problem of mine,
and what is the best solution.


Praise be to Allah.
Families are not without problems,
some of which are easy to resolve
and some of which are difficult. One
who wants to solve his own
problems or the problems of
someone else must understand the
causes that led to those differences
and conflict and resentment,
whether it is between spouses,
between friends, or between father
and son, or any parties to a conflict.
We do not know the cause of the
differences between you and your
wife, so we can only offer general
advice that may be suitable for you
and for others.
You should look for the cause of
those differences between you and
your wife. You may be the main
cause, or a large part of the cause,
because of something in your
nature that you cannot change, or
because of poor treatment on your
part of your wife, or because you
pay little attention to her and your
children, or for any other out of
many possible reasons. So you must
correct your mistakes, and put an
end to those differences by putting
an end to their causes, if the
problem is on your side. You cannot
be unaware that kind treatment of
your wife, showing her compassion,
praising her for what she does, and
taking good care of the children,
whilst striving to bring what the
household needs, will all make a
wife pleased with her husband,
which will create love between the
spouses and spread compassion in
the household.
But if the causes of the problems
and differences between you stem
from the wife, then you must also
deal with this matter with wisdom
and kindly exhortation. The easiest
thing for the husband – in principle
and in most cases – is to win his
wife over and make her love what
she hates, and hate what she loves,
because when a wife is pleased with
a man as her husband, she will be
content to live according to his
wishes and interests, and she does
not necessarily have to love that
and be pleased with it. This is the
nature of wives in general; hence a
woman follows her husband.
Therefore it is prohibited for a
Muslim woman to marry a
disbeliever. This is also the reason
why it is advised to make a good
choice of husband, and to choose
one who is of good character and
religiously committed, lest the
woman be negatively affected by
his lack of religious commitment
and character.

It may be that a husband is not
compatible with his wife, so he will
not be able to improve the way he
deals with her, and she will not be
able to fulfil the permissible desires
of her husband. In that case it is
better for them to separate,
because their staying together will
be a waste of time and will cause a
great deal of problems and distress.
Based on what is mentioned in the
question, we say: if the husband
does not think that his wife is not
willing to change her attitude
towards him, and he is not the
cause of these problems, then he
has no choice but to divorce her,
taking the last option for remedying
the situation. It is not required that
the wife should accept this as a
solution, because her approval is not
a factor in the case of divorce. We
are only saying that the solution for
these problems is divorce for
several reasons, based on your
1. It is not possible that your
wife will change her attitude
and manners, because the
problems between you have
been going on for a long time.
2. You are not able to take
another wife, because of your
3. The fear that you may fall into
haraam because she does not
fulfil your sexual desires.
So give her one last chance, and set
a deadline for her to change her
attitude. then if there is no change
on her part, do not hesitate to issue
a divorce, and beware of falling into
haraam, for according to the laws of
Allah you are muhsan (married or
previously-married), and the hadd
punishment is stoning if you fall
into haraam – Allah forbid. There
are many warnings in Islam for the
one who transgresses the sacred
rights of others and the one who
commits the shameful deeds that
Allah has forbidden, so be very, very
And Allah is the source of strength.


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